partly: (Desolate)
You know the scene in "It's a wonderful life", when George Bailey realizes that there's no way out of the hole he's in? When he realizes that no matter how hard he tries or works or manages things, there's no getting out? That it's just not getting better?

I'm really tired of being stuck at that spot. I'm ready for the next part of the movie, where everything turns around and the hole is filled and life is set on the path to okay again.

Really. Any time now...
partly: (Adorable)
And it's not on tonight. One more hit on a day full of hits (and it's only 10 am). My car is in the shop (again). Still jobless. Bank account not in any shape to handle car repairs. Wil's birthday is tomorrow. Do I have a gift? Do I have money for a gift? No. (See car in shop dilemma.) The list of "Things we need to do" and "Things we can afford to do" is grossly mismatched.

Still. White Collar is love.

I am rewatching "Free Fall". I would say it is my favorite episode of White Collar, but I think that could be true of whatever episode I happen to be watching at the time. This episode, however, makes me want to write drabbles. Many, many drabbles.

I may actually do so, just to get my spirits up.

However, my mom is picking me up in 10 minutes to go shopping in Wausau. She thinks that getting out of the house will be good for my state of mind. She's not far wrong.

I think, however, that I need to do some writing tonight.
partly: (Rat)
Do any of you hang out at Talk CSI over at CSI Files? And if you do, has that forum always been so full of people who are so very... rabid in their opinions? Or is that only the NY forum?

I read Talk CSI for it's news and spoilers, but in the two years of being a member of the forum I've found that the conversations in the forums are on the far side of scary. You can't read two posts without running into hostile opinions or diatribes about the characters and the actors. I've been fortunate that whenever I've posted something I've just been ignored because I've noticed that lately disagreeing with the majority opinion means that you become the snark of the day. And are the reviews for CSI:LV and CSI:Miami accurate? I always used to rely on the summary/reviews from there to fill is some of the episodes I've missed. Lately (well, since I've been able to see some of the episodes) I've noticed that the reviewer often gets things wrong -- mis-attributed quotes, actions out of sequence, missed plot points.

I realize that online material is only as good as the people who post to it, and that forums are often defined by the lowest common denominator. I know that I generally just lurk at forums and I don't really have an interest in the LV or Miami forums, but is it the same over with them or is NY just blessed to be populated by high-school mentality cliques?

Blah...

Apr. 4th, 2007 08:35 pm
partly: (Shadows)
I am tired of being sick.

I am sick of being tired.

The fever that I was fighting every day since Sunday finally broke sometime early this morning. While it's coming back now, I did manage to go fever free most of the day. Yay, for that. Only it still felt like I had an iron band around my head. My brain was seriously fuzzed and it took way to long to do anything today. Nothing I did felt right, nothing that happened felt good.

I had another interview today. I don't usually post these things because the long list of jobs I applied for (and was qualified for) but still did not get depresses me to tears. I was supposed to go to the interview at 4 so I arranged to get off my current (temp) job at 3:30 so I would have time to relax and what not. At 2:45, I get a call at work from the place asking if I could "move it up". To what, I ask. Their answer: Now.

That's just… rude. You don't do that. When I called for the interview, they let me choose my interview time. I chose the best option from the ones they offered. I said….. ah, no. Half because I didn't want to lose pay by leaving, half because it just goes against my nature to jump when someone tells me to.

At 3 I decided I would go to the interview then hit work after, to make up the half-hour I would miss after I was done.

So didn't happen. I got there 15 minutes after they said "now". So what happens? I sit for a half hour until I could go in. The interview takes about 20 minutes then I sit for another 20 minutes until I can take the inane "skills" tests that they gave me.

County office, indeed.

I still would like the job, mind. It's full time, with benefits for the county. Granted it only has funding through December, but I think it not being a permanent thing actually is in my favor for getting it. Still, I left work a half-hour early and all I feel that happened is that I lost a half-hour pay.

There is more. For example, the job I am current working at is also up for interviews. I am very good at it, and everyone (including my supervisor) says I am doing a terrific job. However, my supervisor also said that I am "overqualified" and she feels that I would quit for another job too soon.

All I want is a job in town that pays reasonably well. For those of you not living in small town USA, I'd be happy with $9 – $10 an hour. I'm not looking to make it big or climb any damn corporate latter. I just want a steady job that will help pay the bills. That's it. I'm good at what I do – just ask any of the many people that I have temped for over the past two years.

Hell and damnation.

I say "There is a reason for this. I always get temp jobs that pay what I need. It's this way because the perfect job is right around the corner." I believe it when I say it. But then I didn't get the school tech job that I worked at for a whole year, which everyone said I was perfect for. No. Instead some guy with a perfectly good job in another school district who was ridiculously perfectly qualified had to apply.

I don't really like the job I'm working at now. I don't hate it, but it has way to many numbers and way too much number crunching in it, but I'm good at it. I can do it and it fits all the requirements of a job for me. But, you know, overqualified.

All this would be easier to handle if I felt good. One more day of work. Which is nice except for the small paycheck.

Damn brain. Just can't shut it off.

I think I'll have some Due South, some drugs (the good kind) and then sleep. Maybe life will look better in the morning.

It usually does.

*sigh*

Oct. 1st, 2005 10:40 pm
partly: (Underweather)
You would think that going out to eat and seeing a good movie would make for a good day.

Yeah.

Saturday's haven't been ideal the last couple of weeks. Something pops up and they just seem to go bad.

Ever have one of those times when you'd like to bitch about the unfairness of your life but you can't because everyone else is too busy being depressed/distracted by the suckage in their own life?

And how petty is it to whine about not being able to whine? To complain that I can't complain because everyone else all ready knows I've got nothing to complain about?

The movie was great. The Badgers won.

I'm thinking I need sleep.

I'm sure I'll have to be perky again tomorrow.
partly: (Save Me)
The sun is shining and I'm stuck inside.

That is just wrong.

Granted, it's only 21 degrees out there, so not even near warm.

But still SUN!.

*sniff*

I will write for a half hour then go out and stand in the sun.
partly: (Win)
Deep Discount DVD must be gearing up for the Christmas season because SG1 Season Four has just arrived

Yee Haw!

Window of Opportunity here I come. Plus many more episodes I haven't seen.

Yay, Me! Yay, Myr! Yay, Wil (although he's only on season one)

However, my bank just so graciously "upgraded" our check cards from Visa to MasterCard. This means I need to go and re-enter the cards in all the places that automatically deduct from our account.

That sucks.

But..... YAY for season four!
partly: (Pondering)
I am often forced to face that fact that I am not as handy with words as I would like to think. My brain seems to get caught up in act of putting little squiggles of ink on the paper (or electronic impulses on a computer screen) and my thoughts -- which seem so fluid and concise in my brain end up crude and mundane once written down.

I'm never really happy with my work. Although maybe that's not completely true. I am, at first, infatuated with what I write. At first glance it seems to have all the snap and verve that I imagined when I first conceived the idea, but once I go back and read it ends up being lifeless and mundane.

Sometimes I think I work the words to death, revising all the life out of them. Other times I think I don't put enough effort into rooting out the right words that carry with them the connotations that will make my prose sing. Too often, I feel my writing is blocky, lifeless and lumpy compared to well written prose that just zings. The prose that I imagine when I think the thought through. Like a house made of baby blocks sitting next to intricately carved sculptures.

Most of the time, though, I just don't finish it, 'cuz that way I can continue to think that I'm insightful and eloquent rather than having proof otherwise.

I don't suppose it help any that I tend to come at things from a different angle than most. It is hard, I guess, to make intricately carved sculptures when the tools I prefer to work with are blocky and solid.

Still, it would be nice to not continually criticize my own work. I'm a hell of a less nit-picky with other people's work. And the comes a time when being self-deprecating becomes rather than a useful motivational tool.

And it could be that that I use all that as an excuse for me not to do the work that is involved in writing.

Do I not write because I feel that I'm not good enough or do I feel I'm not good enough because I don't write?

Circular logic: It is our friend.

Still, lately, I'm thinking I'm just lazy and I just don't want to work. Of course I cover it all with good reasons not to work. Family, work, household responsibilities, and the ever popular "I work hard and I deserve to just relax".

Need to think on that.

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