Self-Esteem and Writing...

[partly]

I am reading through a book on writing that I recently picked up. (“Book in a Month”, by Victoria Lynn Schmidt.) She lists five secrets for completing a book in a month and number four is "Self-Esteem".

She writes: Never guilt or shame yourself into writing, or put yourself down too harshly for not writing. Guilt and shame never helped anyone’s self-esteem, and self-esteem is what you need to complete a book in a month.

Self-esteem allows you to commit to your goals, and it allows you to take time for what is important to you. Self-esteem means you can say to yourself, “I matter, and so do my goals.”

She then lists 19 statements that have to deal with writer's Self-esteem. She says if you check more than two of the statements, your writing self-esteem could use a boost.

Here's the list, and I'm going to do three different things: Strikeout those that definitely don't apply, bold those that definitely do and italicize those that I feel the need to clarify before I can give an answer. (As Myria has often said, I need to stop arguing with books). To save the flist, I'm putting my explanations behind lj-cuts.

1. I blame someone or something for not being able to write. No – or rather, I know that in the end it is my decisions and my choices that lead me to not be able to write. The only one responsible for my actions, is me. It would be wrong and unfair for me to blame others for my choices.
   
2. I constantly blame myself for not writing enough, even if it's not my fault. Blame is not a word I would use. I have begun to feel badly that writing is always so far down on my list of priorities that it never gets done. But I'm at a loss as to how to move it up the priority list. Writing (like cleaning house) can always be done tomorrow. There are many things I do that I can't say that about.
   
3. Instead of finding time to write, I do what others want even when I don't want to. It's not that clear cut of a choice, most times. There are times when, for example, I'd rather be writing than watching American Idol with Wil and Myr. However, I would much rather spend an hour or two talking, laughing, and enjoying the company of Wil and Myr than write, because those opportunities are rare and prized. If Wil or Myr wants to share something they love with me, I value that connection even if I don't love what they love. I would rather spend an hour or two writing than going over to my Folks to fix their computer or weed the garden but I enjoy the time spent with them and I gladly offer my help when they need it, just as they enjoy the time spent with me and offer their help to me when I need it. I may not want to do the activity, but I do want the love and family that comes from doing that activity.
   
4. I don't express myself enough in my writing to avoid upsetting, hurting, angering or offending someone. ("What would my family say if they read this?") Not in my fiction writing, but I do this in my LJ. And it has less to do with offending my family or friends and more to do with not wanting to start a flame war with someone I only know from my flist. This is something I need to think about and, I believe, work on. But I can definitely say that I never consider this when I'm writing fiction. I write what the story demands, and I'll warn those in my circle who may be offended, not to read it. *grin*
   
5. I allow people to critique my work before it is ready to be critiqued. I think my writing is critique-able at anytime. Part of my problem is that I tend to be a "write the final draft the first time" type person. One of the reasons I bought this book was to help me with that. So, I don't mind people reading my work because I think it's always ready for critique.
   
6. When someone criticizes my work, I feel like they're criticizing me.Only for the first couple of minutes, then I deal. This is a lesson I learned only from years of listening to critiques. I get critiques because I know that it's helpful. I took a writing class in college (something I'd like to go back and do again) and the most vocal student in the class hated my style of writing. Absolutely hated it. There was not one good thing to say about my stories. Now, I know I could write because you had to submit writing samples to be accepted, and I was accepted. About halfway through the semester, after weeks of stress and panic and self-doubt, I had an epiphany. I realized that nothing he said reflected on me… in fact, very little of what he said even reflected on my writing. (Some of it did and some of what he said is still helpful to me to this day, but most was not). It's like me not liking mint. I don't like mint, and therefore will not like a mint cake, but that has nothing to do with how good the cake is – or how talented the baker is. I get critiqued often because it helps make me a better writer. The most painful critiques are often the most helpful.
   
7. I am jealous of successful writers, or I'm easily angered by their success. I've had a chance to work on this lately." Two of the writers in my writers group have had books published in the last year. I haven't written anything in the last year. Yes, I know what jealously feels like. However, I think some amount of jealousy is normal and, in some ways, good for me. I just have to make sure that my jealously doesn't take over and make me incapable of being friends with them or from giving them useful critiques or from working on my own projects. It's hard to justify jealously when they did the one thing that I haven't done: finish a book. Perhaps, if I had finished something and were sitting on a pile of rejections letters… No. I'm not by nature a jealous person. Success isn't given to you, it is earned and they earned it, whereas I am still working toward it.
   
8. I secretly want my writing peers to fail so I won't be left behind. I never wish bad luck on people. I mean that. I never wish for people to fail. I believe that there is an inexhaustible supply of "success" and "happiness". No one has to fail for me to succeed. Life is not a "zero-sum" exercise. More than that, I believe that people end up living the kind of lives they wish on other people. By wishing small and petty failures on people, you end up living a small and petty life.
   
9. I'm reluctant to set and announce my writing goals for fear that I won't attain them or that I will be ridiculed. Yes. Yes. YES, to the former. No, to the latter. I'm not afraid of being ridiculed because those whose opinions I value will not ridicule me and those who do ridicule me are of no consequence. (Some days, it's good to be me.) On the other hand, I often avoid posting goals because I hate not attaining them. I hate telling people what I plan to do, then disappointing them (and me) by not doing them. In my brain, things that are in writing are real – "As it is written, so let it be done". There is permanence in writing that I can't quite explain. I'm not sure if that's a self-esteem issue or a totally different mental problem *grin*. In any case, I can say that the reason I don't post goals is because I'm afraid I will not achieve them. I supposed I should note that I first typed "I know I will not achieve them. Heh. Okay, that may be a self-esteem thing.
   
10. When I tell people I'm a writer, I feel special. While this is partly true, it's not the only thing in life that makes me feel special, nor is it even in the top 10. Besides to be able to tell people "I write" only requires that I put words on paper, not that I succeed at the endeavor.
    
11. I use this "writer" identity to feel better about myself, so my self-worth relied on me maintaining it. I can't fail in any way as a writer. I think I have the opposite problem. In that, I maybe don't put enough of my self-worth in actually writing something. As I said in #2, writing falls under the "you can always do it later" category and, like all things without deadline, never gets done. A friend, when I told her that Myr graduates in three years and that will make it so much easier to find time to write, told me: "There will always be something else." I dismissed that idea, but there is a great deal of truth to it. I need to think about this.
    
12. I'm filled with big writing dreams and goals, but I just can't get started or follow through. Hell, yeah. I know what I want to write. I have interesting ideas. I know that I can write. I just… don't. I've never considered it a self-esteem problem. I always considered it to be total lack of time management skills. Or lack of a drive to write. Or lack of that necessary creative spark. This, too, requires more thought.
    
13. I give up at the first hint of rejection. Rejection is just another word for criticism and I don't let criticism get to me. Well, actually, rejection is the worst kind of criticism in that it doesn't give you anything that will improve your work. A blanket rejection says more about the person who did the rejecting than the work being rejected.
    
14. I make excuses for my work before I show it or read it out loud. ("This is just a draft; I'm not finished with this scene yet.") I wouldn't use the word excuse. I will warn people if I feel there are obvious problems with it, so that they could give me the advice I need to make the work better. But that's not what they are talking about here.
    
15. I'm embarrassed to send my work out to have others read it. Never. I mean that. I'm nervous because I want people to like the piece but I'm not embarrassed. (I may be embarrassed with the quality of some of the stuff I have written and published in the past, but that's a different questions.)
    
16. I don't really know what I want from my writing career. ("Why bother?") I know, another two-part answer. But while the first part is true, the second isn't. Not having a clear-cut goal is very bad for setting deadlines and it makes it way to easy to put other things ahead of writing. However I bother because when I don't it eats at me and I don't function as well as when I am writing. And, yes, since I haven't written anything in a good year, I'm finding it harder to cope than I usually do.
    
17. I here my self saying "yes, but" when talking to other writers about opportunities. Maybe. Usually the "but" has to do with the writing itself – as in "I don't write short stories" or "I don't write romance" – or with my other priorities – as in I had to help Myr with something or spend time with my family. This one I also have to think about.
    
18. I feel like I have no control over my time and how I spend it; writing is always pushed to the wayside. No… and yes. I'm a mother, a wife and a daughter, so no I don't have complete control over my time. However, I do have control over a great deal of my time (I think I've said that several times before). On the other hand, even when time is mine to spend, writing is pushed to the wayside. Just go back and read #12 for my confusion on why that is.
    
19. I really don't see that I have many choices in life to do what I want to do. Not true. My choices – even the ones that lead to me not writing – are mine to make and I make them. As I said in #3, I take responsibility for my choices, I just need to find a way to make better ones.

So that's only one definite "yes", but two qualified "yeses" and three "I need to think about it's". The book doesn't really give any good advice for solving the problem, outside of "think of successes" and "only get positive feedback". I'm not sure that is exactly my problem, though. I think a lack of time management skills, problematic prioritizing and bad procrastinating habits are my problem. The book doesn't give me any helpful advice on those problems, either.

Conclusion: I need to think about this more. Not much of a conclusion, really. Perhaps I should think of it as a writing goal, only I think I've concluded that I'm not very good at that.

Comments

[finabair.livejournal.com]

I'm too tired to be thorough and shouldn't stay up later to answer thoroughly anyhow, but wanted to point out that one of your qualified yeses is to an 'or' statement and you're qualifying that one of the 'ors' doesn't fit you. I don't think that counts as qualified. :-P

*HUGS* Much brain food in here.

[partly.livejournal.com]

The problem was that the more I thought about the list the more confusing and/or repetitive some of the statements became.

Which makes me think it's not really a self-esteem thing.

Of course, I'm not sure if it helps me to know what my problem isn't.

[donnickcottage.livejournal.com]

I'm lucky I guess; at least in not having a goal but just writing for the love of writing. I suppose I like "recognition" of one kind or another, but one person's enjoyment is as good as 1 million.

[partly.livejournal.com]

Writing for the love of writing is the way to do it.

I'm not at all sure what I'm looking for. Not so much recognition as "completion". When it comes to writing, I'm flighty; I drift from one thing to another. I'm easily distracted; I never finish anything, not to the level the idea deserves.

I feel "incomplete" and I don't know what to do about it.