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The challenges of parenting...
Jan. 13th, 2005 09:38 pmToday I go and pick up my daughter and her friend from the library where they hang after school until I get done with work. The usual.
We talk about her day. Yes. Really talk. Strange, but true.
Her: I had a lot of people at my table for art today. Didn't get a lot done.
Me: No. Why not? What were they doing?
Her: Well, there was this girl and she wanted to ask this boy out and her friends had to come along to help out.
Me: Ah. Well. She needed friends to ask him out? Is he scary?
Her: No. They just were helping her.
Me: So you didn't get any work done.
Her: Well, I did get some work done.
Me: That's good.
-- Pause in conversation --
Me: So who did you ask out?
Her: It wasn't me.
Me: No?
Her: No, Mom.
Me: OK.
-- Back to normal school conversation. Drop off friend. --
Her: Mom. What do you consider a boyfriend?
Me: Damn. Trick question. Think. Stall.
Me: So it was you, huh.
Her: *nods*
Me: Hate being right.
OK. How do I answer this? I know what she's going for here. The whole "can I have a boyfriend thing" followed closely by "all the kids are doing it". Now, I know this is all about learning how to interact and figuring out how to do things. Nothing serious. Just the kid that carries your books for you and sits with you at lunch. But this is sixth grade. It's beyond the "Oh, isn't that cute, the kindergartners are holding hands" stage. So. Yeah. Keep it at a kid level, but don't blow it off. Sixth grade is, after all, sixth grade. Alrighty, then. We're still driving. She wants an answer. I need to say something that acknowledges that I understand that she's just doing normal kid stuff, but I need to couch it in such a manner that I impress upon her that "dating" and "boyfriends" are more than 'kid stuff'.
But this is even more than that. This is an opportunity for a life lesson. It is my chance to share with my daughter a bit of my philosophy of life. Give her a perspective on how the world works that has helped shape who I am. Help her, just a little, see beyond the gaggle of giggling girls who are waiting to see what a 'boyfriend' is like.
Heh. No pressure.
Me: Well, I think that a 'boyfriend' is someone you would like to hold hands with and, possibly, kiss.
Her: EW!
Me: *score!*
What I finally got around to saying during the following discussion (more of less) -- It's okay to be friends with a boy. Even hang out together. But when the term 'boyfriend' or 'girlfriend' is attached, well, things get complicated. Feelings get involved. It's emotions and expectations and feelings that even adults don't deal with well all the time. It's hard enough for teenagers to handle. It's too easy to get into problems when you start thinking about 'boyfriends' rather than just friends. Suddenly, its 'well, we are boyfriend/girlfriend, so..." You remember all the things you read in books or see on TV about how boyfriends/girlfriends are supposed to act. Your friends start telling you stories about what they heard. And no matter how good your intentions are those expectations begin to weigh on you until, maybe, you find it hard to do what you know you should do and what you really want to do. Things can get out of hand. This is, fortunately, something that she understands.
Now. My daughter, she keeps her own council. We talked about this. She did not say what she was going to do. Or for that matter what her exact feelings on this were. It's not her style. Any more than it's mine, I suppose.
She did say that her friend's mother has a different definition of boyfriend because her friend has one. She also asked if I thought 16 was a good age to date. I said with supervision. She was fine with that. Well, now she is. We'll see how she feels when she's 14 and 15.
Right now, I'm satisfied with the discussion. Maybe it was wrong. Maybe that puts too much stress on what is required of "boy/girlfriend". But I wanted her to think about how little things can add up to big ones and how easy it would be to get caught up and carried away. I probably am over-reacting and talked to much about something she wasn't even interested in. But I'm not dumb and I know all about the world.
Besides, it never hurts to talk.
We talk about her day. Yes. Really talk. Strange, but true.
Her: I had a lot of people at my table for art today. Didn't get a lot done.
Me: No. Why not? What were they doing?
Her: Well, there was this girl and she wanted to ask this boy out and her friends had to come along to help out.
Me: Ah. Well. She needed friends to ask him out? Is he scary?
Her: No. They just were helping her.
Me: So you didn't get any work done.
Her: Well, I did get some work done.
Me: That's good.
-- Pause in conversation --
Me: So who did you ask out?
Her: It wasn't me.
Me: No?
Her: No, Mom.
Me: OK.
-- Back to normal school conversation. Drop off friend. --
Her: Mom. What do you consider a boyfriend?
Me: Damn. Trick question. Think. Stall.
Me: So it was you, huh.
Her: *nods*
Me: Hate being right.
OK. How do I answer this? I know what she's going for here. The whole "can I have a boyfriend thing" followed closely by "all the kids are doing it". Now, I know this is all about learning how to interact and figuring out how to do things. Nothing serious. Just the kid that carries your books for you and sits with you at lunch. But this is sixth grade. It's beyond the "Oh, isn't that cute, the kindergartners are holding hands" stage. So. Yeah. Keep it at a kid level, but don't blow it off. Sixth grade is, after all, sixth grade. Alrighty, then. We're still driving. She wants an answer. I need to say something that acknowledges that I understand that she's just doing normal kid stuff, but I need to couch it in such a manner that I impress upon her that "dating" and "boyfriends" are more than 'kid stuff'.
But this is even more than that. This is an opportunity for a life lesson. It is my chance to share with my daughter a bit of my philosophy of life. Give her a perspective on how the world works that has helped shape who I am. Help her, just a little, see beyond the gaggle of giggling girls who are waiting to see what a 'boyfriend' is like.
Heh. No pressure.
Me: Well, I think that a 'boyfriend' is someone you would like to hold hands with and, possibly, kiss.
Her: EW!
Me: *score!*
What I finally got around to saying during the following discussion (more of less) -- It's okay to be friends with a boy. Even hang out together. But when the term 'boyfriend' or 'girlfriend' is attached, well, things get complicated. Feelings get involved. It's emotions and expectations and feelings that even adults don't deal with well all the time. It's hard enough for teenagers to handle. It's too easy to get into problems when you start thinking about 'boyfriends' rather than just friends. Suddenly, its 'well, we are boyfriend/girlfriend, so..." You remember all the things you read in books or see on TV about how boyfriends/girlfriends are supposed to act. Your friends start telling you stories about what they heard. And no matter how good your intentions are those expectations begin to weigh on you until, maybe, you find it hard to do what you know you should do and what you really want to do. Things can get out of hand. This is, fortunately, something that she understands.
Now. My daughter, she keeps her own council. We talked about this. She did not say what she was going to do. Or for that matter what her exact feelings on this were. It's not her style. Any more than it's mine, I suppose.
She did say that her friend's mother has a different definition of boyfriend because her friend has one. She also asked if I thought 16 was a good age to date. I said with supervision. She was fine with that. Well, now she is. We'll see how she feels when she's 14 and 15.
Right now, I'm satisfied with the discussion. Maybe it was wrong. Maybe that puts too much stress on what is required of "boy/girlfriend". But I wanted her to think about how little things can add up to big ones and how easy it would be to get caught up and carried away. I probably am over-reacting and talked to much about something she wasn't even interested in. But I'm not dumb and I know all about the world.
Besides, it never hurts to talk.
