Partly

I know I don't post that often, outside of reposting tweets. Because of that, I may be something of an unknown to some of the people who occasionally glance at this. There's a lot of reasons I'm quiet on here, and most of the time, I'm happy just lurking. But the lead up and fall out from the US elections has prompted me to share here something that I also put on facebook:

If you can't be friends with someone who would vote for a candidate you don't like, just go ahead and unfriend me now. I have no idea if I actually -- in your opinion -- "voted wrong", but frankly, I don't care. If you can't tolerate a difference of opinion, if you can't handle people who think differently or who act in a way you do not, I don't need to have you cluttering up my friends list. If you are frightened of diversity or unable to hold your own beliefs when faced with opposing views, it's best to leave now. Go live in your homogenous world and I'll live in mine where I expect people tolerate differences of opinions with civility and kindness.

Thank you.

I've never been able to use to-do lists. I usually consider a to-do list as a failure list -- at the end of the day, it lists all the things I've failed to do. I've tried to change that because I know a lot of people who use to-do lists and they get a sense of accomplishment from them. But I can't.

I think, in some ways I'm too contrary for the list. I mean, my first response to any order is usually 'hell no', so it's possible that I just do that same thing when I look at the list.  The fact that I made the list doesn't change that reaction at all.

And posting the list so others can read it and hold me accountable? No way am I going to do that. The last thing I need is everyone seeing what a failure I am. I'm usually really good at hiding my ineptitude, the last thing I want to do it put it out for the whole world to see.

There's really no point to this post outside of permanently recording that little slice of crazy that is me.

I was watching my cousin's little girl today. She's six and adorable. She loves to play games, so we were doing all the standard kid games and she wanted to play a Memory card game. Now, I hate Memory. Always have, but it's a good enough game to play to pass some time and she loves it. She's also VERY good at it. She rarely misses a pair when one has been flipped over. It was fun watching her play, so very sure and quick.

But the most interesting thing was what I learned about myself and my inability to see things the way they are.

There were 36 cards laid out in four rows of nine cards each and we sat across the table from each other. Once we started playing I'd flip over a card that I know I had seen a match to and then I would reach to where I was really sure the match was. I was usually wrong. She would laugh and, before I even flipped the cards back over, would flip over the match I'd been looking for.

The interesting part? Eight times out of ten the matching card would be in a spot that was a mirror image to where I was looking. If I had thought it was in the row closest to me, it was actually in the row furthest away from me. If I flipped over a card two columns in from the right, the actual spot it would be was two columns in from the left. It wasn't that I was flipping over the wrong card right next to the correct card, no, I was completely in the wrong quadrant of the playing field.

I actually started to do the opposite of what I thought was right and my game improved. If my first impulse was to reach to the right side, I would force myself to go to the left. Instead of picking the side closest to me, I would do the side furthest from me. Granted I still sucked, but I did better.

I don't know why that surprised me, really. I mean, I know I have issue with things like that. Left and right, for example. I understand that most people do the left and right thing with no issues but I can't. I mean, I can't. If I'd be ambidextrous, I would never know which way is right because I know right is the side that I "write" with. I actually have to hold my hand as if I'm holding a pencil and then I know which side is right.

I usually don't tell people this because it immediately places me in the "dumber than a kindergartener" category, but it's something I've had to learn how to deal with all my life. Ask anyone who's ever taken directions from me. They will tell you that they always follow the way I point rather than what I say because if I want someone to go left I will point left but I will often say "go right".

It's always interesting, what people chose to judge "smart" and "intelligent" by. You screw up right and left? You will never be seen as smart. Have a hard time memorizing the multiplication tables? Dumb becomes your middle name. It doesn't matter if you can recite the whole damn Hamlet soliloquy, if you mess up "7 x 8" and you're automatically in the shallow end of the gene pool. Misspell common words? Hell, might as well just curl up and die before you infect the rest of the world with your obviously contagious stupidity.

Ok, that's probably an overstatement and most people over the age of 18 probably won't say those things to your face, but it's not exactly wrong, either. Our society -- especially our on-line society -- places a great deal of emphasis on "smart". Defining "smart" is a lot harder than one would think, though. So people chose to define "dumb" instead. And they usually define dumb as "people who can't do the things that come easily to me". That's just human nature -- we think of ourselves as smart, we quantify those things that we do that "make" us smart and we judge other people by those same standards.

I understand all of that. And quite frankly, I'd like to think that I'm too secure (or at least too damn old) to care what people I've really never even met think of me. Most of the time I manage that, too.

I think what really bugs me about these things is that if I could come up with a label to give people -- like "I'm dyslexic" -- that covers all of these "shortcomings" everyone's attitude would change. You see, we will accept people's shortcoming if there's a nice, neat label to toss on them. If someone's dyslexic, we'll benevolently forgive their "stupidity". We will overlook their "failings" as long as they can have a label that excuses them. You don't have that label, well you're out of luck. You're just dumb.

It pisses me off that people need a label to be considerate or in order for people to accept that intelligence comes in more than one flavor. It's wrong that a diagnosis is needed in order for people to be tolerant and accepting.

Obviously, this is a sore spot for me. This post has been sitting around in one form or another for years. I've come to terms with the fact that this will never change. I understand that most of the world needs such labels in order to know how to treat people. I only pull out the "I'm dyslexic" defense when I'm really stressed. Usually, I don't need to. Most times, I just try not to care what people will think. The rest of the time, I know my limitations and work hard to address them or avoid situations where they will cause me problems. I work hard at hiding my shortcomings so I don't have to justify them to the world.

It is, after all, the smart thing to do.

I don't make plans. I know that sounds odd, because so much of the world everywhere is about making plans and keeping them. In fact, not planning things is often seen as a failure of character. A sign of a person with no vision and no drive.

I don't know, it could be.

I hate making plans because I feel like such a failure when they fall through. Everyday Wil says to me "What's the plan for the day?" If I say "Writing" but don't write, how do I explain that? If I say "Cleaning" but don't clean, then what? I mean, if I can't even do something as simple as keep that kind of a plan, what does that say about me?

And big plans -- going out, getting together, going to Madison -- those are really hard. When those plans fall through, then I've got nothing. No way to make it better for everyone. No way to fix the issues that come with all that uncertainty.

When plans fail, it affects everyone around me. My job -- my only job -- is to make sure that everyone around me has a smooth ride. When plans fail, I fail. Wil and Myr have so much that they are dealing with, they don't need the added stress of me being unable to handle the plans, of me not being able to keep things going and smooth it out.

And that makes me seem way more self-sacrificing than I am. Not to mention it makes my family seem unreasonable and inflexible. And that's not true. In either case. If anything,

I'm made of fail so often lately that not planning eliminates some of that fail. Not to mention, if I don't plan then I'm sure that I'm not forcing Wil and Myr to do something they don't want to or would rather not do or that they would be unhappy about. I know that they cater to me and I'd rather not have that happen. Lord knows I'm wrapped up in myself enough as it is, I don't need to dictate what everyone else does. And, in all honestly, I'm more than likely not going to be able to keep any of the plans I make anyhow.

Of course, none of that really matters. Life events require planning, even if I'm not the one who wants to do it. And life, being what it is, makes those plans totally worthless.

And I am, once again, made of fail.

Down in Madison again. This time so that Myr can go to a play with her uncle. We have to be back in Merrill by 1 pm on Sunday so it's a shorter visit, but we got to walk state street this afternoon, so that's great.

I get to spend tomorrow with the splendiferous finabair. Well, tonight, tomorrow and a short time Sunday AM. We're going to start with steaks, baked veggies and mojitos tonight and it's all up from there!

Ho[e you all have a great weekend.

Real life is conspiring to kick my ass. Well, there is some good news but that's immediately followed by major suckage. The ratio is just enough so that I can't spend my entire day sobbing into my pillow, no matter how much I want to.

I'm sorry if I'm overly touchy here or when I chat/email with you all. I'm finding it difficult to keep balanced.

It's odd. I haven't processed everything enough to talk about it (in some cases don't even have enough information to even do so), but at the same time I find that I am impatient when talking to others about their lives and interests. This lack of social ability annoys even me, I can only imagine how it must be for those I'm dealing with.

I don't know if it would be best to focus on happy, cheery things or delve deep into brooding, dark themes. Mostly, I don't want to think too much at all. So, I flit from one thing to another, like a hummingbird on speed.

I just thought I'd warn you.