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What I want...
Oct. 6th, 2006 01:53 amWell, actually, it's what I'm trying really hard not to want -- and that's a permanent position doing what I'm doing (as a temp) right now.
You see, this job would be perfect in more ways than I can count. It is a job with absolutely no negatives.
And there is no possible way I will ever get it.
Because, you see, there is no job. As in, it's not a position they are looking to fill. As in, I am only there until the end of November. As is, no one will be hired to do what I am doing right now.
If I want this job, if I think there is any, almost-impossibly-remote chance of getting it, I will make myself crazy. I'm doing it already. I'm obsessing about where I'm going to work and how we'll pay the bills and how damn much I'd love to work where I am.
I don't let go of things easily and I've grabbed onto this particular pipe dream a little too tightly. It will doom me if I can't get it under control. Nothing is more pitiful than pining after something that was never possible.
There is this whole "living on faith" thing going on. I really stink at that. I like knowing things, and having at least the illusion of control. Perhaps my faith isn't strong enough, but I'm seen good people go under and I know that there are those who are much more deserving than I.
More than that, I like things to go the way I want them to go. The safe, secure, sure way.
This job would be that way... I want this. And it's giving me a tunnel vision that I know will lead to problems. It's already leading to problems.
I need to get a grip on this or I will miss an opportunity here. If I can't see anything else, then I'll miss all the other "anything else"s that could be what I'm really supposed to do. A real opportunity that is perfect.
I'm hoping that voicing this here will help rid me of this obsession. It will let me pour some energy into writing and the like, rather than having my brain run in circles until I can't find my way out.
You see, this job would be perfect in more ways than I can count. It is a job with absolutely no negatives.
And there is no possible way I will ever get it.
Because, you see, there is no job. As in, it's not a position they are looking to fill. As in, I am only there until the end of November. As is, no one will be hired to do what I am doing right now.
If I want this job, if I think there is any, almost-impossibly-remote chance of getting it, I will make myself crazy. I'm doing it already. I'm obsessing about where I'm going to work and how we'll pay the bills and how damn much I'd love to work where I am.
I don't let go of things easily and I've grabbed onto this particular pipe dream a little too tightly. It will doom me if I can't get it under control. Nothing is more pitiful than pining after something that was never possible.
There is this whole "living on faith" thing going on. I really stink at that. I like knowing things, and having at least the illusion of control. Perhaps my faith isn't strong enough, but I'm seen good people go under and I know that there are those who are much more deserving than I.
More than that, I like things to go the way I want them to go. The safe, secure, sure way.
This job would be that way... I want this. And it's giving me a tunnel vision that I know will lead to problems. It's already leading to problems.
I need to get a grip on this or I will miss an opportunity here. If I can't see anything else, then I'll miss all the other "anything else"s that could be what I'm really supposed to do. A real opportunity that is perfect.
I'm hoping that voicing this here will help rid me of this obsession. It will let me pour some energy into writing and the like, rather than having my brain run in circles until I can't find my way out.
