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"Shame on you"
Jun. 27th, 2007 11:40 pmWhen my daughter was in one of her first years of school (I can't recall which one), she came home and asked me what it meant when someone pointed a finger at you and then brushed it with the pointing finger of their other hand (the classic shame on you gesture). I was puzzled and said, you mean "shame on you"?
She shrugged.
It was at the moment I realized that I had never used that mannerism or saying on her. She had no idea what it meant or why anyone should use it. I do not recall any moment in her life that I told her "shame on you", nor can I imagine a time when I ever would.
It wasn't a conscious decision. I grew up with the saying and it's been said to me at times but it wasn't trauma inducing or even memorable. It's just not something that I every considered using when raising my child.
Don't get me wrong. I am, by most measures, a fairly strict parent. There is right and wrong in this world and you make your choices and you stand by your actions. I believe in guilt for wrong actions, but shame is pointless and potentially hurtful emotion when foisted upon you by others.
I had been roaming around LJ, doing the friendsfriends thing and scoping out quite a few meta discussions and I came across several discussions on sex, sexism, gender and the nature of shame. I find it interesting -- and telling -- that shame is rarely mentioned in terms of anything other than sex or related topics. And then it's generally used in order to control or manipulate someone else.
That's probably why I rebelled against it when someone tried to use it on me and why I would never dream of using it on my daughter. Shame is not a useful emotion at all. It's only imposed after something had already happened and carries with it the implication that it needs to be kept quiet and secret. After all, you would never want to expose your shame to anyone else. Shame is a massively powerful mechanism for control.
There is a big difference between "shame" and "ashamed" in my book. Ashamed implies a personal choice, a decision based on a persons internal views and beliefs. It's a monitor that you can use to decide whether an action is good or bad. It doesn't have anything to do with anyone else. Shame always implies others are in on it. The shame is yours because others say it is.
I don't want my daughter to have to fight through the difference between those feelings. I don't want her to think that people who she trusts and who claim to love her will use "shame" as a control mechanism. I want her to be able to recognize the danger in that. I never want anything I teach her to be able to be used against her.
She shrugged.
It was at the moment I realized that I had never used that mannerism or saying on her. She had no idea what it meant or why anyone should use it. I do not recall any moment in her life that I told her "shame on you", nor can I imagine a time when I ever would.
It wasn't a conscious decision. I grew up with the saying and it's been said to me at times but it wasn't trauma inducing or even memorable. It's just not something that I every considered using when raising my child.
Don't get me wrong. I am, by most measures, a fairly strict parent. There is right and wrong in this world and you make your choices and you stand by your actions. I believe in guilt for wrong actions, but shame is pointless and potentially hurtful emotion when foisted upon you by others.
I had been roaming around LJ, doing the friendsfriends thing and scoping out quite a few meta discussions and I came across several discussions on sex, sexism, gender and the nature of shame. I find it interesting -- and telling -- that shame is rarely mentioned in terms of anything other than sex or related topics. And then it's generally used in order to control or manipulate someone else.
That's probably why I rebelled against it when someone tried to use it on me and why I would never dream of using it on my daughter. Shame is not a useful emotion at all. It's only imposed after something had already happened and carries with it the implication that it needs to be kept quiet and secret. After all, you would never want to expose your shame to anyone else. Shame is a massively powerful mechanism for control.
There is a big difference between "shame" and "ashamed" in my book. Ashamed implies a personal choice, a decision based on a persons internal views and beliefs. It's a monitor that you can use to decide whether an action is good or bad. It doesn't have anything to do with anyone else. Shame always implies others are in on it. The shame is yours because others say it is.
I don't want my daughter to have to fight through the difference between those feelings. I don't want her to think that people who she trusts and who claim to love her will use "shame" as a control mechanism. I want her to be able to recognize the danger in that. I never want anything I teach her to be able to be used against her.
