Jun. 2nd, 2010

partly: (Kiss)
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I'm not qualified to answer this question. I've never had a serious break up. In fact, I've only had one serious relationship in my life - and I'm still married to him. It'll be 21 years in October.

I met Wil when I was 23, so I had a life of my own and I know what it is to be by myself. I had plenty of time to have as many relationships as I wanted. I just didn't have one. I was both happy and content with my life. I didn't sit around thinking "Something is missing" -- or at least not very often. And never to the point of it being a "need". You could say that I'm very guarded in my dealings with people. And not very trusting. I'll be your friend and I'm a good friend. But it takes a while. I'm very private and I don't open myself to very many people. And a serious relationship -- one that would hurt if we broke up -- requires that kind of sharing. I'm not built that way.

More than that, there's a difference between being alone and being lonely. I was often alone; I was rarely lonely. I also realize this sets me apart for a lot of people. And it really pushes me into the "not a girl" category that I often reside in. Perhaps it's because I'm too damn stubborn. I am who I am, after all. Despite my feelings of being frayed and panicked and my recent posts of moroseness, I'm secure in who I am. I will sacrifice for those I love. I will put the needs of my family above my own wants. But I would always rather be me and be alone, than be a shadow of me in order to be with someone else.

I know this isn't what the question was asking, but I always find it interesting when people say, "Well, we've all been there." Because I haven't. I understand the pain of losing someone you love. I know grief and abandonment. I understand feelings of inadequacy and feeling undesirable and unloved. I've been there. But the whole break up thing? I've never been there.

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