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I'm not qualified to answer this question. I've never had a serious break up. In fact, I've only had one serious relationship in my life - and I'm still married to him. It'll be 21 years in October.
I met Wil when I was 23, so I had a life of my own and I know what it is to be by myself. I had plenty of time to have as many relationships as I wanted. I just didn't have one. I was both happy and content with my life. I didn't sit around thinking "Something is missing" -- or at least not very often. And never to the point of it being a "need". You could say that I'm very guarded in my dealings with people. And not very trusting. I'll be your friend and I'm a good friend. But it takes a while. I'm very private and I don't open myself to very many people. And a serious relationship -- one that would hurt if we broke up -- requires that kind of sharing. I'm not built that way.
More than that, there's a difference between being alone and being lonely. I was often alone; I was rarely lonely. I also realize this sets me apart for a lot of people. And it really pushes me into the "not a girl" category that I often reside in. Perhaps it's because I'm too damn stubborn. I am who I am, after all. Despite my feelings of being frayed and panicked and my recent posts of moroseness, I'm secure in who I am. I will sacrifice for those I love. I will put the needs of my family above my own wants. But I would always rather be me and be alone, than be a shadow of me in order to be with someone else.
I know this isn't what the question was asking, but I always find it interesting when people say, "Well, we've all been there." Because I haven't. I understand the pain of losing someone you love. I know grief and abandonment. I understand feelings of inadequacy and feeling undesirable and unloved. I've been there. But the whole break up thing? I've never been there.
I'm not qualified to answer this question. I've never had a serious break up. In fact, I've only had one serious relationship in my life - and I'm still married to him. It'll be 21 years in October.
I met Wil when I was 23, so I had a life of my own and I know what it is to be by myself. I had plenty of time to have as many relationships as I wanted. I just didn't have one. I was both happy and content with my life. I didn't sit around thinking "Something is missing" -- or at least not very often. And never to the point of it being a "need". You could say that I'm very guarded in my dealings with people. And not very trusting. I'll be your friend and I'm a good friend. But it takes a while. I'm very private and I don't open myself to very many people. And a serious relationship -- one that would hurt if we broke up -- requires that kind of sharing. I'm not built that way.
More than that, there's a difference between being alone and being lonely. I was often alone; I was rarely lonely. I also realize this sets me apart for a lot of people. And it really pushes me into the "not a girl" category that I often reside in. Perhaps it's because I'm too damn stubborn. I am who I am, after all. Despite my feelings of being frayed and panicked and my recent posts of moroseness, I'm secure in who I am. I will sacrifice for those I love. I will put the needs of my family above my own wants. But I would always rather be me and be alone, than be a shadow of me in order to be with someone else.
I know this isn't what the question was asking, but I always find it interesting when people say, "Well, we've all been there." Because I haven't. I understand the pain of losing someone you love. I know grief and abandonment. I understand feelings of inadequacy and feeling undesirable and unloved. I've been there. But the whole break up thing? I've never been there.
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Date: 2010-06-03 12:11 am (UTC)From:i could not agree more on the lonely thing - i don't ever get lonely, it's just something of an alien concept for me, because i like being alone and most of the time i would rather be alone than with others, even my friends a lot of the time. i think my friends are fantastic but i can only handle them in small doses!
i'm almost militantly single - i don't like going out with people, i've been in relationships and i start feeling suffocated and tied down within about 3 hours! i don't like that thing where someone wants to see me all the time and because they're "with" me they seem to expect that i'll just deliver. plus i hate the whole physical side, i'm much much happier by myself.
but i get a lot of crap from my mother who is one of the neediest people alive because she can't grasp why i don't want to be "with" someone or why i like being by myself or why i don't feel a need to be constantly surrounded by other people. it drives me nuts - i try to explain that alone ≠ lonely but she really doesn't get it.
and as for being you and alone vs changing to be what someone else wants you to be - you're absolutely right, always always stay how you want to be before giving into the demands of others, regardless of how nicely put those demands might be. if you can't be true to you, what's the point?